It’s difficult being a Climate Change Advocate these days. You’ve spent a lot of time and money putting together a new prediction of global doom and gloom by a future date, and you’ve seen the deadline come and go. You’ve issued your 12-year predictions in 1990, 2000, and 2008. The world has not yet been sufficiently panicked into hysteria, so you go back to the drawing board. It will take a lot of time and effort to erase your old computer model results and come up with new ones.
What’s a climate scientist to do?
That’s where we come in. We’re Computer Model Elite and Discreet. And we’ve got the solution for you.
Our Climate Change Computer Models are unlike any you have encountered before. They are uniquely built and can handle all of the data you throw at them.
Meet our Computer Models: Asheena, Rebecca, and Tiffany.
No more spending months and months pouring over computer code. These models already have their own built-in logic to process your data. It’s a simple process:
- Collect all of your meterological and climate data.
- Carefully organize the data into a comprehensive worksheet, sorted by date and location.
- Call us up and arrange to have lunch with one of our models.
- On the date of your scheduled lunch, bring your data, along with a check for 10% of your grant money.
- Take your model to lunch and discuss the weather.
- Bring her back to our lab.
- Receive your fully climate disaster prediction within 10 business days. If we fail to meet the deadline, you get to take the model out to lunch again. Whatever.
Many of you may have questions about our computer models. We answer them below in the familiar Q&A format below.
Q: How sensitive are your computer models?
A: They are all a bit different, depending on the model you choose:
- Asheena is sensitive to cold, so don’t put too much ice in her drink, and definitely do not sit under one of those ceiling fans at lunch.
- Rebecca is sensitive to animals. A kitten or purse dog will go a long way.
- And Tiffany is sensitive to jewelry. Bring lots of it.
Q: Is your forecasting approach based on qualitative techniques, time series analysis, or causal models?
After a team of scientists and monkeys studied the issue for the past decade, we have settled on the following time-tested technique for forecasting:
- The first dart is the forecast variability index.
- The second dart is the number of years mankind has left.
- And the third dart is how many times you will have to put in a plug for our company in all of your speeches and news reports.
Q: Are your models focused on the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere?
A: No. They are focused on how expensive the restaurant is that you take them to lunch, so the atmosphere in the restaurant had better be luxurious. And one of the models is the daughter of the CEO, so keep your hands off.
Q: Do you stand by your models?
A: We stand by them often, but sometimes our feet get tired, so we sit down.
Q: Can our team of top programmers review the model’s code?
A: None of our models currently have codes. However, they do sometimes get the sniffles.
So pick up the phone now and call us. We can be reached at 1-800-ME-NAIVE. Ask for Guido. We will be here to help you save the planet and your career.